My Dad gave me a bird feeder a few weeks ago, cause he’s nice like that. I’ve never had a bird feeder before, never really thought that much about birds to begin with, but my next-door neighbors (they of the charming forsythia hedge) have several feeders in their front yard and a bird bath, and I realized I was jealous of all the cool birds hanging out in their yard and not mine, so I mentioned to my Dad that I might like a bird feeder.
Dad’s a bird guy from way back. He has one of those clocks in his kitchen that emits a different birdcall at the top of each hour. His cats know the difference between the four o’clock bird and the five o’clock bird, because they get fed at five o’clock. When they hear the five o’clock bird, they come running. How nuts is that?
So this was, like six months ago that I mentioned this. Dad sprang into action and bought me a bird feeder, then forgot to give it to me until a few days ago, which worked out fine, since now it’s warm and seasonable bird weather. He even assembled it for me, and gave me some seed to start with, which is great, because the only seeds I had around the house were tamari-roasted pumpkin seeds, and those might not have worked as well.
So that was my project this Memorial Day weekend — I set up my bird feeder. I dithered around for a while with the whole “squirrel-proofing” thing, but then I just said fuck it, who cares, I’ll feed the squirrels too. I got nothing against the little buggers. Then I thought that my one bird feeder looked lonely and out-of-place and kind of ghetto, so i went out and bought a couple more, each with its own kind of seed. Everybody likes a little variety in their diets, right?
And this has absolutely nothing to do with how many feeders my neighbors have in their yard, or with my occasional tendency to get secretly competetive about the stupidest things.
Of course, now I can’t help but peek out the window every 17.4 seconds to see if I have any bird friends stopping by for a chat and some nosh. Haven’t seen a one yet.
I did see a squirrel slither up the pole and take a few nibbles of suet, but everybody knows squirrels are easy. They’ll climb up anyone’s pole, if you catch my drift. Sluts.
I want the A-list! Chickadees! Cardinals! Blue Jays! Catbirds! I want my feeder to be the joint, the spot, the hip and trendy new bistro! The place where all the boy birds take their girl birds when they hope to get lucky later that night! I want to be the hot new source for all your sunflower seed needs!
Maybe I need a DJ.