So I blew off an evening with my dear friend Saucy due to extreme emotional exhaustion. We had a date to watch a some Hugh Grant or Colin Firth movie or something, but I called it on account of OMG Tired.
And although I am sorry to have to postpone an evening’s debauch of watching emotionally stunted yet physically compelling British men (my Kryptonite) undergo unprecedented growth and maturation during a handy hour-and-a-half romantic comedy, you are all just going to have to take my word for it that we are all better off with me sitting at home with my cats and catching up on the blogs.
I know, I’ll prove I’m not antisocial! I’ll let you join in on the fun!
OK. Here is how to detox like a (semi-retired) rockstar (THAT’S ME) after a long, wretched week of fighting off skeksis and nasssssty, tricksy hobbitses:
Start off at the grocery store on your way home from work. Blow off your diet. Again. Don’t backtalk me, just do it. You can eat air-popped popcorn later and feel all virtuous and crap. In the meantime, doesn’t that ribeye steak look good?
(HINT: YES IT DOES)
Consider buying cookies for later. For apres-steak. but pre-popcorn. Suffer fit of indecision when faced with the bizarre choices presented to you by the boutique grocery store you shop at despite its elevated prices. (You like it because you are lazy, and there is less distance to cover from the freezer section to the register. Also, because they have better cheese.)
Forget the cookies. It is too complicated. If they had some nice, normal, Mint Milanos, that would be one thing. But all they have are freakish, oddly shaped, bizarrely-named, Pretending-To-Be-Imported-But-Really-From-Milwaukee “tea” cookies.
OK screw it buy the cookies. You will need them later. Now Flee. Flee the public eye.
Go home and char up that steak but good. Mmmmmm, fat-laden goodness…..
Now plant your butt in front of your home computer and fire up some delicious bloggy love.
We shall now embark on a tour of WHAT I DO WHEN I GET HOME AND READ MY STORIES.
Also known as: HOW I STAY SANE.
1. I always start with a daily dose of Schadenfreude. First stop: see whose life got seriously messed up today. I mean, it’s much, MUCH worse than whatever happened to you today.
Today, were you:
- smashed in a car wreck?
- arrested for driving drunk?
- almost suffocated in your bed by carbon monoxide?
- arrested for driving drunk on a bicycle?
- burned down along with your house and all your possessions?
- arrested for driving drunk on a bicycle with many many drugs?
Then you are, in fact, doing OK. In spite of the reports.
You will ALWAYS feel better after reading this blog.
It’s a start.
PART I: THE FUNNY WORDS
2. Quality counts. The cream rises to the crop. Tried and true. The funny. The mommy. The ex-Mormon. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Dooce. Go ahead, click around. (Click around! Click up! Click up! and Click down! Pack it up! Pack it in! Let me begin! ahem. pardon me.)
3. The guy who once sent me a mix-cd of funny songs, just because I asked. We are strangers. Also funny.
4. The Superbly Dressed Lady Who Has Better Taste Than You Do. Not Martha Stewart. Martha just thinks she does, and only really appeals to masochists. Mighty Girl is awesome, and she is actually here to help. Also, her baby Hank is wicked cute. Click here for her store, where you will find everything you will need for your holiday shopping needs, thoughtfully hand-selected. OH! She also does this store for babies. Goddamn motherfucking overachiever.
5. The Blogger Who Inspired Me To Blog In The First Place. Still smartypants, after all these years.
Maybe you feel calm enough now to make yourself some tea. Why don’t you just go do that. Perhaps some nice Lemon Ginger! Then come back, when you’re ready.
PART II: THE FUNNY PICTURES
7. Unbelievably Erudite Dinosaurs. Who Also Sometimes Argue With God. And the Devil. And the Creepy Cephalopods Next Door.
8. Comics Orgy. This is where you start laughing so hard that you are suddenly making bodily noises that cause the cats to cringe with the indelicate shame of it all. (They cover their eyes with their adorable freakin’ paws, they are so ashamed of the noises you are making. With all the laughing. And the farting.) If you never bothered to read Mary Worth or Mark Trail before, you will now. In a whole, whole new way.
9. And we conclude our tour of snarky web-comix with the math geeks. They are smart. And so are you, because you get it.
Now you are sitting in front of your computer, reeking of farts, thinking about Mary Worth, binary code, and boobies all at the same time.
HOORAY THEN IT MUST BE FRIDAY
PART III. THE PEOPLE I MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW IN REAL LIFE
10. My Girl.
11. My Homeslice.
12. My Imaginary Best Friends.
Go get yourself a goddamn cookie.
Ready? We’re almost done.
THE GRAND FINALE
IT’S DOT COM!
Now take a deep breath. Don’t you feel better? Somewhat decompressed? Thinner, smarter, and more better in bed?
No? Almost, but not quite?
Go get yourself another goddamn cookie.